LOVE?

Why does loving a man have to be so complicated?  These passionate beginnings are the trap door to a world of questions and self-doubt.  Do we ever know what love is?  Does it even exist?  I imagine it's warmth and familiarity and friendship.  That sounds right, that's what I have.  But in the midst of it all, I feel hateful and tired and completely frustrated.  As a woman, am I just programmed to want and demand what I can not have?  Are we destined for disappointment based on our endless list of needs and expectations?  Hunter never takes me out to restaurants, makes me dinner or surprises me with treats or gifts.  In fact, the entire year and a half we have been together I have payed for my part of every meal we have ever had together.  Rather than courting me, he's simply my tag along.  In return, I have become critical and verbally abusive.  When I was with Narcissus, he took me out to dinner every week, bought me flowers and chocolate covered strawberries, showered me with gifts and surprises, but he was a terrible boyfriend.  He didn't respect me and there was a constant air of condescension about him that always left me feeling 2 inches tall.  Hunter loves me unconditionally.  He listens to and respects me.  I can talk to him about anything and he makes me laugh.  He is loyal and just as anxious to explore what the world has to offer as I am.  So why must I demolish one of the greatest relationships I've ever had simply because I am with a man that is poor and slightly thoughtless.  He is younger than me and, up until a year ago, was an active alcoholic and heroin addict.  Fuck, is patience from me really so much to ask?  Yes, I want it all, I want to bake, have and eat my cake all at the same time, but in regards to demands, when is enough, enough?  If I let myself cherish and love him the way he does me, I think we could be happy, but what if all I am doing is settling?  There seems to be a very thin line between gratitude and personal compromise.  If I appreciate what he has to offer and prioritize my needs in regards to this relationship, does that mean that I am not honoring what I am looking for in a man?  I want to love Hunter, half the time I think he is perfect for me, but the rest of the time I am focused on what I think I deserve.  Really, I'm just a selfish, ungrateful brat.  Honestly, I don't know what I would do with myself if we broke up.  He's just a part of me now and I can't believe I went 28 years not knowing him.

So why am I so unsatisfied?  I have a companion who will do anything with and for me.  Is it really all that bad that I have to plan everything and always pay for my part?  Dam this sucks.  My future is cloudy when I try to picture a life without him in it.  I just want a simple answer; a voice that will tell me what I should and should not do.  They say that's what God is for but She must be working with somebody elses ridiculous problems right now, or maybe there are just way too many people in the world with real, actual issues that need attending, not some stupid, alcoholic, bipolar female who can't seem to make a decision regarding her own love life.  I imagine if God had the time She would take a look at my life and say, "stop wasting your time in front of the computer, go do something fun with your boyfriend and come back to me when you want to cure cancer."