Ugh

It's been lonely lately.  A rough week, I suppose.  I had pneumonia last week and am finally starting to feel like myself again but a sadness has washed over me.  No one ever tells you when you leave your life behind that there's really no going back.  No matter how warm the welcome home might be, I would always feel like I was intruding on a life that isn't mine anymore.  I thought I would gain a better understanding of who I was, but now I don't know where I belong.  It seems that every time life starts to make sense I either get sick, throw my back out or have, yet another bad experience at work or in a relationship, reminding me of how unhappy I am here.

I am on bad terms with my sponsor and I am not only too scared to confront her but I'm also too angry.  She moved on Saturday and I was supposed to help her but was scheduled to work and told her I could switch shifts to be there in the morning and she specifically said "no".  She told me everything would work out and she wasn't worried.  Than I offered to come over after work to help unpack and she said "maybe" and told me to call.  Well, after working until 3 a.m. on Friday and then getting up at 8 a.m. to work Saturday I felt weak and tired and also felt like I should get to a meeting.  I called her and left a message telling her all this and told her she was my top priority and if she needed help unpacking still I would be willing to come by.  She never called.  Then on Monday night she called me up and chewed me out for not coming by Saturday morning-she had completely forgotten our conversation.  And then she laughed about what a funny "misunderstanding" it was.  After being told I don't know how to stick with a commitment, and that I played the meeting card to get out of helping her, I didn't think it was funny at all.

It's strange how upside down everything feels when you're at odds with someone that matters in your life.  On top of that I had another "uncomfortable" day at SOL.  We now serve sweet potato fries.  So I went up to a table and took their order and at the last minute the woman said to her husband who had just ordered coleslaw, "get the dam fries".  They both then chuckled and he said "I guess I'm getting the dam fries".  So I smiled and said "ok, you want the fries then?"  and he nodded his head.  Well, when I brought the food he looked at me grumpily and said, "I had ordered the YAM fries".  I thought his wife said dam fries but I guess I was wrong, whoops.  Honest mistake, who the fuck calls them "yam fries"?  It says on the menu "SWEET POTATO FRIES".  Not to mention, after waitressing for 11 years, nothing surprises me, people have sworn in the middle of an order plenty of times.  I got ridiculed for the rest of the day for it.  "Oh my God, I can't believe you said that."  "Oh my God, if you weren't sober I would totally think you were high."  "That's not even funny, I would never laugh at that."  "I don't know why you think that's funny, it's not."  And then of course Big D ripped me a new one and at the end of the day pointed out how "all the girls couldn't believe I would do that.  They were shocked, what were you thinking?" I'm glad I have yet to sell my sense of humor for a fake tan and some ugly platinum extensions.  But ugh!

There must be a statute of limitations on how long a freak like me can actually experience happiness.  I'm thinking a week tops.  Anyways, I started reading Tuesdays With Morrie for the third time.  I got past the first paragraph before I started crying.  I'm definitely losing it.