Dearest Anonymous

"is this how all bipolars really think? cause my biopolar boyfriend drives me crazy.....i love him with all my heart but he never can tell me how he feels about me he always acts like he doesnt what me around him theres no affection im lucky we have sex twice a month..help me to understand cause i dont plan on leaving him i just need to understand this thank you" -anonymous

My dear friend,
I don't know if you'll get this blog or not but I am writing it for you and any other loved ones out there that have people in their lives that struggle with a mental illness. 

I cannot speak for every bipolar person out there, I know my own experience and I know that there are definitely certain traits that we do all share.  I don't know you're boyfriend.  He is probably, at the heart of it all, a good man who is just struggling with a mental illness.  Many people say that there are many different types of Bipolar Disorder, I, personally, believe there are only 2: the types who don't allow themselves to be victimized by their disorder, and the types that do.  I have been both through out the years.  I have fallen into mania and expected my loved ones to accept and, somehow, appreciate, my behavior; submitting to the convenience of insanity and hoping that, by doing so, I would never have to look, honestly at myself.  Other times I have perished into the shadows of depression, feeling terrified.  Governed by my own self-loathing, I was often completely unaware, or better stated, unconcerned with the worry and frustration it caused the people that loved me.  I have contemplated suicide on and off for the past 20 years, sometimes I wanted to make people worry, but other times I truly believed that I was doing them all a great big favor.  I separated myself from people because it was easier then actually doing any of the work.  I surrendered to depression because it was what I knew and it was familiar.  I remember thinking about killing myself at the early age of 9.  When I fell into manic episodes I would come alive and it felt like such a sweet relief from wanting to die all the time.  I would spend money, call people I hadn't talked to in years, chain smoke and stay up all night writing.  Other times I would get viciously angry and violent with people, punching walls, lockers at school, a nearby shoulder or what ever other hard surface I could hit with the hope that it would relieve me of the inner tension I was experiencing.  I couldn't understand how, when only 1/2 an hour prior to this sudden fit of rage, I was hugging an old enemy. 

I hurt people when I was manic and I hurt people when I was depressed.  I spent my life making everyone around me responsible for my feelings, as well as my life.  I was constantly engaging in insane behavior and then being unable to comprehend why people thought I was insane.  I felt trapped and scared and afraid that I would never escape the hell I was always in.  I was awkward around people, I desperately wanted friends and since I honestly did not believe I had anything to offer anybody (which was kind of true),  erraticism and victimization was my method in achieving some level of connection with the rest of the world.  I was either going to be the crazy, fun girl or the poor martyr surrounded by oppressive circumstances beyond her control.  I lacked the basic tools to function on a day-to-day basis with the rest of the world.  "They didn't understand me, I was different from them."  Of course none of this was actually reality, and all this thinking ever did was alienate me.  In the end, I always got what I asked for-separation and loneliness.

Support is good, when the person you re supporting is involved in supportable behavior.  I have chosen to seek out help where ever I can get it.  I have a therapist, a 12 step program and a sponsor, I actively take medication and I see a psychiatrist regularly.  The worst thing anyone can do for me is try to save me or enable my behavior.  The best thing my mom ever did for me was kick me out of her house and detach herself from my life.  I know it hurt her but it made me realize that I am the one who has to be responsible for my disorder and any other issues I might struggle with.  I may get stuck and I might struggle and I know I still sometimes get caught up in the victimization thing, but I have yet to give up, even when I really want to.  Although I don't always do it perfectly and thoughts of suicide still come up once in a while, I keep doing what ever it takes to be healthy and happy.  For this reason I have the support of my friends, my boyfriend and my family.    

So Anonymous, if you're boyfriend has shut you out and doesn't seem like he wants you around, remember this is his fight.  You don't have to support unacceptable behavior just because he has a mental illness.  Although it takes a little extra work, I know today that I am just as capable of happiness as every one else is and so is your boyfriend.  If he doesn't want to do the work, you don't have to stick around and watch him drown in his own sickness.  These are the choices he is making, you don't have to be a part of them.  I hope this helps.  Good luck to you.