The other day I went to a meditation center in this little mountain town called Marin, where Jack Kornfield was speaking. For those who have never heard of him, he has written a variety of books on Buddhism. It was actually a really awesome experience in which he spoke for 2 hours on self-awareness and other related topics. Of course, in the midst of this very spiritual experience, I found myself sitting next to a peculiar woman who went on a rant about her money-grubbing niece and than refused to let me sit in the seat next to her so that I could see the speaker better. Later, I made the mistake of telling her that I had to go to the bathroom and she responded with an extensive dialogue about camels.
I tend to attract insane people into my life and I always wonder why. I'm beginning to realize that I see myself in them and that it bothers me. I guess those people are a lesson for me. Until I can forgive and, possibly, love the person that I am, I will continue to attract representatives of my unwanted self. My mistakes and past behaviors hang over me like storm clouds, and I stand under them, fearfully, waiting for the lightening to strike, desperately trying to shiver away the icy awareness of who I was and who I could easily be. Perhaps if I open my arms and invite it, it wouldn't seem so cold; so despairing; so dangerous. There was a time when I loved the rain; dancing, walking, skipping. There was no place in the world that I would rather be than underneath the cloudy night sky on wet pavement. Now I sit on my couch and look out at it, grateful to be inside. When did everything in life become so intimidating? My goal for this week is to open my arms to to the world and yell "bring it on!"
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