Tackling IT in All it's Glory While Happily Ever After Takes the Guestroom

Hunter and I broke up and for over a week now he’s been sleeping in the guest room.  It’s both awful and awkward.  We have somehow maintained our sense of partnership but sit, eat and speak only as friends.  I never in my life would have thought myself capable of this kind of dynamic. 

I’ve spent the last 3 years hoping he would work the steps, face his fears and come out a stronger and more honest person.  But that never actually happened.  Honesty and courage remained a constant source of neglect on his part.  Everywhere he went and everything he said I absorbed with trepidation.  Wanting desperately to believe him and to have faith in what I thought we shared, I often kept my mouth shut and forced myself to focus on other aspects of my life outside of his challenges and the denial he seemed to carry with him through his day to day life. 

Unfortunately, no matter how happy I thought we were, I have sat in my own fears, waiting patiently for the other shoe to drop.  I often attempted to picture what that would look like and am now stuck staring it in the face.  Consequently, all I want to do is sleep.  I’m not even angry.  I wish I was because then at least it would be familiar.  This is, more or less, a cloud; thin, empty, foreboding and, seemingly, invisible to the rest of the world the closer you get to it.  It feels like I have a 5 ton anchor full of dog shit tied to both my legs.  Every step I take is overbearing. 

Living in limbo is painful and confusing.  He says he won’t give up.  That he’s going to spend this time working on himself, facing what he’s spent all these years avoiding and becoming the honest and courageous man he thinks he’s capable of being.  Maybe he will be, but what the hell do I do in the meantime?  I’m too tired to write, exercise, or even leave the house.  I go to work and am terrified that I will either kill someone or get fired, but am reassured by the fact that I’m too tired to kill anyone.  I need to disappear.  I wish I had the kind of money that would allow me to drop everything and take a vacation somewhere far away from loneliness I feel encased by.  No one warns you of the kind of chances you actually take when you choose to pack your life up and leave everything behind; in the excitement of it all it's hard to imagine what will happen to all of your hope and determination if the shit hits the fan.  I think I picture myself a far stronger person than I really am.  All I ever think about is the delusion of Happily Ever After and how each realization that nothing is that easy leaves me feeling shocked and suddenly aware that I have no one to run to.  No wonder people in their 40’s laugh at younger generations.  How many times have I stepped out of my life impulsively naive, looking in at it with the eyes of a foolish romantic thinking that this was it; that the world, in all its sadness and suffering, was powerless against whatever temporary sense of elation I was grasping on to.   I don’t even know what it is; power, success, a sense of understanding that encompasses life on a spiritual, physical and emotional level?  The only real truth I possess is that I don’t have it.  All I have is my teddy bear and a big empty bed.  Neither of which feel even remotely close to what I probably need right now.    

Truthfully I have no idea where Hunter and I will go from here.  I know I love him and I honestly believe these matters could be worked out if he did the work, which, apparently, he's been diving into diligently.  I just can't keep making the same mistakes and expecting my life to be or look like anything more than what it is.  The man I've wanted to marry is afraid of everything and lies over matters that seem ridiculous and don't make any sense to me.  And no matter how much I promised myself I would never let my life fall to pieces over a man. . . .I feel very much like my life is suddenly falling to pieces over a man.  Funny how quickly that happens and how easily these little vows and promises seem to vanish just when they're needed the most.  If this is the universes way of reminding me that nothing in life is permanent then I get it, so what the hell do I do now?