Vertigo is like battling to cross a ship over choppy seas. Three weeks of feeling nauseous has left me yearning for solid ground. Day after day the world appears to move in front of me like a metronome on crack while I sway like one that desperately needs a new battery.
I started taking Valium for the dizziness about a week ago. It has not suited me. I'm lazy and unmotivated. By the time I get off work all I want to do is sleep. Worst of all is the constant moral dilemma that I tend to experience. The side of me that feels entitled to take more versus the side of me that still feels a certain level of obligation to what I was taught in AA.
I love the way Valium relieves me from giving a dam about anything. Not that my giving a dam is at all related to the love of man kind, although I really wish it was. It's more selfishness combined with an overall sense of fear of what others think of me; how I must look to the rest of the world and how little I truly think of myself. Yet, with the aid of Valium, my thoughts and obsessions not so much evaporate, but rather blend in with their environment. It doesn't necessarily shut anything off, but it dims it just enough. I feel the presence of my thoughts, but I can no longer see them. Blending feels so much safer. To be one of many seems so much easier than being one of few. At least I know where I stand. Its as if, on my own, without that little pill, those same blending attempts are completely useless. If I can't dim the blinding lights of my own thoughts, then no amount of identity alterations will change what I really am . . . just another crazy, sick idiot lost at sea. But, oh well, it's time to turn that light back on and say goodbye to my little friend. I honestly don't know if my brain serves any purpose in life but checking out doesn't seem like much of an answer.
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