Off With Her Head!

Forgive me for being insensitive, but any person who carries a 10 lb Coton into a restaurant and calls it a service dog is going to automatically leave me feeling a little skeptical as a waitress, especially when the person in question has a bouffant and a plaid shawl that matches the dog's service vest.  Let me just say this, if I ever become so mentally unstable that I truly believe I need to put a patch on my Basset Hound and carry her around for emotional support, put one of those walmart machine guns to my head and pull the trigger.

Today my friend whom I wish to call, the Queen of Hearts, came to Schmeckle's.  She visits quite frequently actually and always gets the same thing, english breakfast tea, a bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon and brown sugar, and a cup of fruit salad, NO grapes and NO oranges, meaning they have to be picked out before the fruit is brought out to her; not that she's allergic or anything, she just doesn't like them.  Aside from her ugly dog and annoying eccentricities, I never actually had a problem with her; 'crazy woman with no physical health problems and a service dog that she carries in one arm and attempts to emulate through fashion.' I mean, it's Berkeley, I just bought a piece of raw, vegan, gluten free chocolate mousse pie from a Chinese transvestite in a superman tiny tee and a pair of Earth shoes, so there's hardly room for surprise at this point. 

I guess people in general will never cease to surprise me though.  Today when the Queen came in and ordered the same dish, I smiled, got her order in right away and when her food came I walked up and said, "how is everything over here?"

In response she gave me a horribly curt smile and, with only her index finger, pressed the fruit cup away from her and said, "if I wanted a cup of chopped apples, I would have chopped an apple at home."

My jaw dropped.  I looked down at the fruit cup that consisted of mostly chopped apples, pears and some watermelon and pointed out that there were not just apples in the cup (shouldn't have argued but totally couldn't help it) and was about to remind her that she specifically asked for no grapes an oranges and since our fruit salad lately is mainly apples, pears, grapes and oranges, she's going to be pretty limited on her fruit options but she cut me off instantly and said, "it is just all apples and I don't want it, take it away."

At that point I started laughing at her, something else I couldn't help.  I mean, couldn't that damn service dog make her see the simple logic of the situation?  If you limit the fruit that you can have, you're going to have a limited amount of fruit to eat! Anyways, not that it really matters, I'm clearly trying to make a completely irrational person see something in a rational way, which never works.  Sometimes I just can't believe what I put up with. 

I'm going to invent my own kind of Deli one day, it will appeal to atheistic pot heads and you can't enter without getting stoned and we will not cater to any one specific holiday.  It will appeal to customers that don't give a shit about anything and complainers will be publicly shamed.  But the food will be so amazing that everyone will keep coming back for more.  And I'll have a digi-car that flies me to my mansion in the sky after work every day where I grow special plants that give me a brain like Einstein and a perfectly smooth complexion.  Oh, and also, the NRA and the Christian Right never happened.