Nights Gone Sour

"Last night went sour." Sour is what he said.
I remember sour.

Young, tight jeans.

Self-centered. Self-absorbed. I-am-the-world-and-they-are-all-watching and, look-at-me-I'm-stunning with small pores and, baby i'm yours, and push-up bras.

Sour. When the camera is always running and you're the star and your world is just too damn important to think about her.

Sour. Selfies like a rash all over your page. And my page. And I don't care because I just know you have nothing better to do than look. And lust. And envy.

Sour. When you giggle and blast bad music and don't realize how sensitive you are until it's too late.

Yes. Sour. When you brag with ingenuity about things that "don't matter" and drink like a fool until everything matters.

And then the tears.

But I would not cry.

I am a grown woman with a boyfriend and a man friend and the boy is the one I give my love to who cannot ask a simple question and the man is the one who's masculinity would be far more useful if only it were contagious.

Yes. Sour.

I am the small, hopeful idiot who believes all that he says with the this-time-it-will-be-different sentiment that only Sour holds and honors and assumes without shame.

Sour. Like sex without a condom and fat-free popcorn and lesbianism without veracity.

Can't we please call it something else?

Since I am disillusioned; old; bitter; disappointed cliche on a prayer flag

Larger than life and smaller than normal

Gray hairs and broken promises and unwanted ideas that have stained the walls of our little metaphorical dynasty

Liberated?

Underrated?

Romantically Ostracized?

Emphatically Wise?

Or Simply Understated?

Whatever.

I remain the big, bad, evil, angry, off-her-meds and ready to roll.

Violent and; she-doesn't-know-what-she wants; and condescending.

I am the one that speaks too sweetly and doesn't say what she means.

I am the enemy in all it's forms; Dark and empty and bleeding.

I am longing for control and can't seem to find it.

So gone with food and gone with sex and gone with all I enjoy because I deserve to be punished.

I am just a foolish woman who asks for nothing and demands everything.

I am barren.

I am spinster.

I am night.

And I am sour.