Salvation

I find myself reflecting a lot lately on salvation and how lifevests are thrown to us in unfamiliar forms, from unfamiliar places.

I never wanted kids and I never gave a damn about real estate. Now here I am, a mother of a 1-year old boy and a Real Estate Broker. I so obstinately stuck with the path I firmly believed I was meant to be on that my tunnel vision blinded me from every opportunity that came my way and led me to believe I was destined to suffer.

I'll start with my son because he is where everything began. Although, let me just say, my testimonial to having a child is my experience and mine alone. By no means is any of this to say that people should have children to fix their problems or that those who choose not to will be faced with limited solutions to their problems. Get that shit out of your head fast because it's a mindset that will set you up to fail.

Two days ago I was nursing my son on the kitchen floor because that's motherhood and children are natural opportunists, and my sweet and curious little boy reached up and took a little grab-a-grab for my right sideboob with his two, tiny little fingers. At a point in my life, this would have devastated me. Having spent a good portion of my youth struggling with a severe eating disorder, I saw no humor in saddlebags and muffin tops or the dreaded sideboob for that matter. But I had to laugh when I felt his sharp pinch, especially after the continuous reassurance from my husband and sister that they "don't see it."

There's something to be said about the all-consuming force that drives family life. The am I thin enough and am I beautiful enough line of thinking has been replaced by does he weigh enough and is he happy enough. I can no longer sit for hours trying to figure out who I am, what my purpose is, and how I'm viewed by the rest of the world and I have to say, I never imagined it could be so liberating. I believed I would be giving something up and it terrified me, but my mind was a black hole that swallowed up every self-centered fear and negative belief that came way. Yes, I was so self-centered and had no idea I would be saved from my own railing narcissism by a child. I never went into motherhood with the belief that I needed someone to change me, but I also did not understand how badly I needed to change.

So here I am, still actively working on myself in therapy, twelve pounds above my comfort weight and making money doing something that was not in my big plan. Granted I still want to write and still dream of writing something beautiful and honest one day that will maybe rock one person's world, but for now, I sell Real Estate and I'm paying off my student loans, planning vacations and contributing to a college fund for our little dude. This is what drives me now, it's not glamorous or Instagram worthy, but in its own special way, it's fucking awesome. Stripped of the vanity and the shackles of the childish belief systems I clung to as a means of defining my existence, I was gifted a purpose in a place I never expected to find it, here in my home, among my two Bassett Hounds, my curves, my husband, my fine lines around my eyes, and my beautiful, beautiful son.