Oh my god, I can't sleep! I'm stuck crocheting and watching season 1 of Dexter. It's 2:30 in the morning and I know there was a period where I was tired but that passed and now I have fallen into All-Nighter phase. Hunter is in Colorado with his family for the holidays. It's crazy, I have been an extremely independent woman for the past 3 years, now, suddenly, the idea of going to bed without him is almost agonizing. Maybe it has something to do with Dexter. I spent my life checking my bedroom closet ritualistically 3 times a night for Micheal Myers cirque Halloween I, 1971, or something like that. Now I'm in my apartment alone and I am watching episode after episode about blood and murder. I hope I never have kids, my idea of comfort is severely fucked up.
Funny thing. I found myself completely freaked out the other day. I dreamt we adopted a baby girl. She was laying, wrapped in pink fleece, on the sidewalk just waiting for me to pick her up. In my dream I looked over at her and thought to myself "what the fuck did I get myself into?" then I walked over to her and as I bent over to pick her up she started to giggle, hysterically, and after that I fell instantly in love. I woke feeling a little messed up in the head. I think the thing that bothered me the most was that I liked her, and the fact that I actually adopted a baby covered head-to-toe in pink. I'm not the mommy type. Some women are destined for children. My best friend, Lilly, for instance, she's meant to be a mother, she'll be a great one too. Sadly, she miscarried yesterday. She called me broken hearted and I just felt so helpless. Some situations, the best you can do is wrap your arms around someone and tell them that you love them. I couldn't do that for her and it broke my heart. Maybe some babies just aren't meant for this world. Maybe her and her husband needed more time to mentally prepare. He wasn't very interested in the prospects of becoming a father until they were taken from him. What ever the case may be, sometimes you just have to believe that these things happen for a reason, and maybe God has a better plan.
This Christmas is strange. I'm away from both Hunter and my mom. Double whammy. The plans are to go to my aunts house for dinner but she was recently diagnosed with cancer of the lymph nodes, I believe. The doctors say they think she will be fine. I guess they caught it early. It would be nice if this one had a happy ending. Cancer is so fucking prominent lately, more than ever it seems. So I need to call her and just keep praying.
My life, personally, is quite good. I am working 4 jobs and still not pulling in a lot of money but 2 out of 4 of them are in my field, which is always hopeful. Plus, I finally realized what I want to do with my life. I've been talking about it for years, noncommittally really, but I know for sure now, in fact, it's never felt more right. I know that I want to get a second major in journalism, no matter what. I can't wait to go back to school. Since I got my first degree in Interior Design, my hopes are to combine my degrees and write for an interior design magazine, critiquing homes and hotels all around the world. For the first time in my life I know exactly what I want and it feels right. My future has always felt so fuzzy but for once it makes sense. Maybe it sounds incredibly idealistic, illusory and intangible but I don't care. I've spent my entire life not knowing, completely what I want, or who I am , or what I am even good at for that matter, but to just know with as much conviction what I could do and succeed in, is a liberating feeling. It's taken me long enough but hell, at least I'm getting closer to what, at the heart of things, I really am. Love to you all. Here's hoping I'll pass out without dreams of blood baths and serial killers, or babies for that matter.
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