Starting the New Year

Towards the end of 2010, my life became an assemblage of comings and goings as I desperately searched for a solution to the ever-growing fear of financial insecurity that seemed to hijack my physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. I prayed, relentlessly, for a job that would pay the bills, what I wound up with was 4 jobs, chronic back pain and not a moment to myself. My sponsor asked me recently if my God has limitations.  At the time it seemed like a strange question seeing that we're raised to believe that God is limitless. But when I really put thought into it, I realized that my God, the one I've chosen for my belief system is filled with limitations. When I envision what I want for myself, it seems to have nothing but limits. I've spent my life basing the kind of jobs I can have on my lack of intelligence, my lack of connections, my lack of confidence and my poor memory. I've believed that I can only have a small amount of friends because too many would be an invasion of my comfort zone. I've put limits on my happiness because I've believed that the only way to be properly prepared for the other shoe to drop is to never let go of my sadness. I've put limitations on fun because I've grown to believe that to truly have a good time involves money and the "right" places with the "right" people. I've put limits on my ability to succeed, believing that success is measured by what I have and who I know. 

So, I've taken on a new God; something more expansive and not so limited.  This particular God is a man, a woman, a dog, a tree, the peacefulness of my apartment, the love I have with Hunter, my mother's voice, my sister's laugh, the ocean, the sunset, Bob Dylan's lyrics, sometimes just the comfort of being quiet in my own head.  I'm tired of the false humility that comes with constantly putting myself down.  Why can't i be amazing?  Why can't I be smart?  Why can't I achieve what I want to?  This year I am turning 30.  I'm going to dedicate it to healthy action and the rejection of fear, limitations and self-hatred.  I'm excited, I really am.  There's been a shift lately in my thinking.  A kind of "I don't give a fuck, it will all work out" kind of mentality.  I'm tired of worrying and thinking that everyone has it together except me.  I'm tired of thinking I'm supposed to be in a specific place that is contrary to where I am at. 

I have an amazing boyfriend who compliments my strengths and defects with his own, how I got so lucky to find someone as good for me as Hunter, is beyond me.  I have a loving family and a truly great relationship with them.  I have attainable dreams that fill me with excitement.  These are diamonds in the rough, the things we live for.  I've spent my entire life looking for the weed in a bed of roses, and then wondered why I'm so unhappy.  So here's to freedom from limitations , honoring what matters, cherishing what's in front of us, and basking in the joy of what we already have.  Here's to Gods without boundaries. Here's to a new year.  I wish you all the best.