Hunter's drinking a gallon of milk a day in order to gain weight, he's given a whole new meaning to the term lactose intolerant. Sometimes I look over at him and he's slumped on the couch staring at a half drunken glass of milk with the most pathetic look on his face, forcing himself to keep on going. It's funny, outside of our little home, the rest of the world is living off of bun-less hamburgers and raw broccoli while my boyfriend consumes 2% milk and 6 meals a day with the hope of gaining 25 pounds in a month. I've never seen such a skinny figure look so bloated and filled with anguish. But fear not, I loaded up on gas x and the bathroom has an entire cup of matches by the toilet. My hope is that I suffer as little as possible through out this experiment.
I've decided to buy a safety whistle, not so much for the late night strolls, I'm buying one for telemarketers. They won't stop calling me on my cell phone, in spite of the fact that I have requested that they take me off their list 4 times now. So I've decided to buy the fox40 sonic blast. I'm so excited. For the first time in my life I look forward to getting that call. The minute I hear the voice of a human I'm blowing that thing right into the phone. Those fuckers will rue the day they ever dialed my number.
My life is actually really good right now. Sometimes I find myself smiling for no reason, the only time I can remember doing that in the past was when I was high on something. Although I hate my waitressing jobs, I'm making more money than I ever have before and it's really nice not to worry about how I'm going to pay my bills. SOL is still a nuisance in my life, the infamous brother and sister clan, D and Pediphilio, are ravaging the human race, one young woman at a time. My other job, HOB, is interesting. I don't get yelled at and harassed regularly but my new boss, Anorexia, is a little weird. For Christmas, she gave me a picture of herself. It was taken in front of a Christmas tree inside the bar and she was dressed up in a sexy elf uniform posing with her snow white, bony arms out to the side and a freaked out look on her face, her lips slanted upward in an awkward smile. This semi-professional world that I live in seems to be laced with crazy people who either make me feel even more out of my own mind or absolutely normal, depending on the day.
P.S. Hunter is starting a counter blog to set the record straight, it will be called "My Fabulous Fucking Girlfriend and Her Gasless Fabulous Quirks". Actually, we're still negotiating the name.
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