Shmeckle's

What is it about restaurant employees that make them so crazy?  Every restaurant I have ever worked at has left me surrounded by odd, dramatic, needy or eccentric people.  Is it the restaurant environment that makes them that way or are the crazies just magnets to working in the service industry?  Perhaps a little self-evaluation may help in answering that, although I'm not really in the mood for rigorous honesty at the moment, at least not about myself. . . .

I work at a Jewish deli called Shmeckle's.  That's Yiddish for penis and not the name of the restaurant at all.  It's not a bad place to work, the managers treat us really good and the money is reliable.  The clientele is rough, "this matzo ball soup tastes nothing like the matzo ball soup my mother made me, it's too salty and you can hardly call these matzo balls!" or "This pastrami is nothing like New York style pastrami and just by looking at it I can already tell that this is not 6 ounces!  You need to talk to the owners about not being so greedy.  Not to mention, there is a little crack in the center of this plate, I could get salmonella poisoning from this.  I know it's not your fault honey, but you should talk to the chef about this problem.  Also, they didn't trim the salad leaves properly, look at this, they left the stems on this arugula."  My favorite was when a couple bought 3 latkes to take home with them and than came back the next day with all 3 of them untouched because they didn't look like the latkes the women's mother used to make for her.  I fantasized about shoving those latkes in a place that women's mother had never been to. 

I work with a 50 year old dead head with 10 years sober named Need, a Mexican knock out and compulsive liar named Jalapena,  a 7' tall homosexual giant named Andre, and a vaingloriously cocky and flamboyant bohemian Potter named Swank.  There are quite a few others but I just wanted to provide you with some examples of the kind of people that are contributing to my east bay experience.

Need is like a big, huge 5 year old boy with wrinkles around his eyes and a mouth-full of profanity.  When he makes a joke that is funny, he will repeat it to you for the next hour, jabbing you with his elbow and chuckling incessantly, hoping to get another round in.  "That was pretty funny what I said huh, 'you can't get around me that easily', ha ha ha, that was pretty funny, eh, you can't get around this belly, ha ha ha, pretty funny right?!"  Other times I don't bother laughing at all, which brings forth even greater consequences because than, he not only laughs repeatedly, he tells the joke over and over again and eventually decides to just explain what he meant in the event that I didn't get it the first 5 times he told me.  Sometimes I just feel sorry for him, but mostly it's annoying.  The worst is the way he talks to people who speak English as a second language.  When he communicates to the Mexican support staff, he insists on doing it in broken English with a Spanish accent.  "Roberto, Needy needs more cola, more cola for Needy, lemon and lossa ice por favor, no need straw, have one on table." He does this with the customers too, it's like watching a train wreck.  I can't imagine what some poor Japanese family that's visiting the U.S. for the first time must think when they have a fat American server in their faces shouting random verbs and nouns at them.  I don't get it, do Americans think that if they speak to someone in bad, improper English, it will be more comprehensible?

Sadly, I can't help but picture Need walking around at home with a can of PBR in his hand and a diaper on, blasting Casey Jones and chasing after his poor wife yelling "did you hear what I said?  That was pretty funny wasn't it?  Did you get that one?  Aren't you gonna answer me!?"  At least she's not from out of the country, I can't imagine what the sex would be like, "ooh, Needy like you do tha, you is sooo good, you like when Needy do tha?  Ya, you wan Needy do more like tha?"  Ouch, I think this has gone far enough.

Tomorrow should be interesting, I'm on the floor with both Need and Jalapena.  I've got an overgrown 5 year old on one side and Shmeckle's little Mexican Pinoccio on the other.  Wish me luck!