Pursuit of Perception

I've been working on my children's novel and decided to call my mom yesterday for some information about my dad and certain events from my childhood.  It's strange the way perceptions work.  When she remembers my father, she sees a man that abandoned all of us repeatedly, when I remember him, I see a man that was with us all the time.  There's a place in the middle for these interpretations.  They seem to often start as facts but end as emotions.  The nostalgia of youth is like a sweet red wine; smooth, perfect and intoxicating.  Yet, as adults, it's as if our minds are programmed to complicate and darken every situation with the presumed intentions of those around us.  We struggle to live in the moment out of fear of disappointment and an overwhelming sense of sadness that we carry with us like a heavily, overstuffed purse, desperately relying on objects we do not need while ignoring the pain that slowly arises from the weight of it all. 

I often wonder if the sadness I feel when I look back at my family isn't so much a result of what I lost, but a state of perpetual inquisition of what I may have never actually had.  But, as children, how were we ever to see or absorb the negativity that was around us when each memory and observation is characterized by our innocence and the brimming anticipation of the lives and experiences we were absorbed in?  Why would we even want to?  Somewhere between the demolition of my mother's dreams and the idealism of my innocence lies a simple truth, untainted by judgments and opinions, where nothing and no one is bad or good; it just is.  It is raining lightly and my dog is asleep next to me.  Once my father took me tobogganing in the middle of the night and another time he called me selfish and swore at me when I said I didn't want to bring my brother with on my weekly brunch date with my grandma.  If always and never, good and bad, didn't exist, what would our memories hold?  I imagine pain and happiness would both be pedals on the same flower; shedding and resurfacing in different forms.