Narcissus

I returned from Chicago late last night. It really was an amazing trip. I went back to my old home group (a term in AA that we use for our regular meeting that we commit to going to every week) and I had completely forgotten how much love existed between us.  When I first got sober 6 years ago, I walked through those very doors, hateful, scared and unwilling.  It was the last place in the world I had ever wanted to be and, seeing that, for a good portion of my life I viewed AA as a cult, filled with pathetic, weak-minded people who were all just victimizing themselves, I did everything in my power to avoid it at all costs   I tried desperately to appear as if I had everything together, yet, I was dying inside.  I can even remember what I wore that day, practically every woman does.  We can walk into those rooms with dark circles under our eyes, a sad inability to smile, 25 pounds under weight and, in some cases, flaunting the repercussions of our disease through our teeth, hair and swollen liver, but any of us would be damned if we were to show up to our first AA meeting makeupless in a T-shirt and jeans.  Yet, in spite of that, they welcomed me with open arms.  

One of the members of that home group once told me that if a person with a drinking problem takes away the alcohol, he gets healthy, but if an alcoholic takes away the alcohol, he's becomes crazier than ever.  That is how I knew I belonged in Alcoholics Anonymous.  I was selfish, self-centered, dishonest and utterly afraid.  It's said, and I definitely support this theory, that anger is a manifestation of fear, and, being that I wanted to kill everyone that both did and did not come near me, it was easily apparent that I was hopelessly consumed by fear.  I didn't have to be a member of that home group long before I received the nick name "Angry A___".  So I did what any terrified woman in recovery would do, I alienated myself from every female who tried to get close to me and viewed every semi-attractive man- although in some cases even that particular requirement wasn't a necessity-as an opportunity.  I suppose that to some I was the modern day Medusa and to others I was just an easy target.  Either way, I quickly found myself practically friendless and in a terrible relationship.

His name was Narcissus, he had 12 years sober and was very charming.  I actually did what I was supposed to do, I waited until I had a year and finished my 5th step.  Those were both mine and his sponsors terms if both of us wished to pursue a relationship with each other.  It was a mistake though, and if I hadn't been so desperate for a happy ending after so many years of sickness and insanity, I might have seen it.  A lot of people in AA say that people are usually considered newcomers for the first 5 years and, frankly, I couldn't agree more with that statement.  I might have had a year, but I was still out of my mind and lacked the tools I needed to, not only, choose a good companion but to be one as well.  The red flags were waving in all directions and I was high on ADSD, Ardent and Dysfunctional Self-Deception.

To be continued. . .