Humanity

I have a boyfriend, Hunter.  We moved in together shortly after we started dating.  We met through a mutual friend about a year and a half ago.  Well, actually, it was longer than that.  I guess we met about 2 years ago and sat together at a few AA meetings here and there.  He said he went out of his way to sit by me and that we talked the whole time.  I don't remember.  He said he gave up after he came into a meeting one time and came towards me to say hi and I looked right past him as if we never met.  He then labeled me as just another pretentious, Orange County snob and decided not to bother. 

I lost my ability to recognize faces when I was a little girl.  From what I understand it was a direct result of a series of events that took place, following my brother's accident.  Most of the time I have to meet someone 5 or 6 times before I finally recognize who they are.  It was always a bit of a drag on first dates or those first times I got together with a new friend.  I relied solely on their expression when we made eye contact.  On more than one occasion, when I was feeling confident, I have walked up to someone, positive we had talked a few days ago, called them by what I though was their rightful name and started asking them questions about our last conversation.  Of course the confusion on their face and the fact that they were looking at me like I had a third nostril usually gave it away.  Luckily, since a lot of this happens at AA meetings they just figure I'm high and give me a hug.   I guess the beginning of every relationship and friendship I have ever embarked on was characterized by a series of blind dates.  Perhaps the next time I'm getting together with someone for the first time I will have them wear a carnation in their front pocket.

Nowadays, Hunter stands by my side and reminds me of who people are when they come over to say hi.  I imagine it's what the president feels like at a big event; every few minutes his secretary leans over and whispers names and descriptions in his ear.  Perhaps if I could wipe the confused look off my face and replace it with a far more self-important one, people will have no idea I have an early case of Alzheimer's.

Anyways, by the fourth time I met Hunter I finally remembered him.  We started hanging out regularly because a friend of ours had just been broken up with by her boyfriend of a year.  Our primary goal was to stay near her and keep her from shooting dope or, for that matter, getting back together with the dirt bag that broke her heart.  So we developed our friendship based on a mutual desire to keep a fellow addict from relapsing.  He became my best friend over night.  Being a newcomer in sobriety and 5 years younger than me, I figured it was safe to befriend him since I could not imagine us getting romantically involved.  But we spent every waking moment together; talking until 3 in the morning about everything, laughing, exploring the aspects of Southern California that still have a shred of natural beauty, sharing our experiences, fears, doubts and frustrations.  He was my companion and I was so grateful.  Falling in love with him was so easy.

Now we live together.  We just celebrated our 1 year anniversary.  I have to say, although falling in love with him was easy-it's maintaining that love that feels difficult.  Not because of anything he has ever done or not done, but because I am fueled by my emotions and, on top of that, I struggle constantly with the ability to honor the humanity in the people around me, as they, so eloquently, honor it in me.  If Hunter were perfect, I would be irritated by his excessive perfection.  He accepts everything about me, well I sit there staring at him, pissed off.  I know I am not an easy person to love, but I will keep trying, because what other option is there really?