My First Time

I stare at the computer screen, fondling my thoughts and this new phenomena that characterizes American culture.  Are we lonely?  Desperate for a sense of connection?  Perhaps it's my own sense of desperation.  I suppose living in a place like Orange County can do that to a person.  I moved to Long Beach 2 years ago after spending most of my life in Chicago.  I longed to smell the ocean and be at liberty to walk along the beach whenever I pleased.  As a bi-polar alcoholic with, at the time, 4 years of sobriety, I wanted to side swipe my own limitations and prove to myself that, like any hot blooded American, I could chase whatever American dream captured my fancy.  I have no regrets.  After years of going in and out of mental institutions, rehab, battling an eating disorder and alienating myself from friends and loved ones, I felt I owed it to myself to chase whatever ambitions came my way until I found that sense of belonging I spent my life yearning for.  I pride myself on little.  I don't claim to know anything but the knowledge of how much I long to know.  All I have to share is my own experience and tid bits of understanding I have gained as a result of them.  This is my first blog.