Ego Mania and the Art of Choosing the Perfect Wind Chimes

All I could say was "o.k."  I wanted to scream at him, to blame it all on him.  To make it all about him and not me for just one god dam second.  He asked his kind questions and I gave my hidden answers:
"How do you feel?"
"ok" - I hate myself
"ok" - I don't know who I am
"ok" -I'm so pathetic
"ok" - I can't keep doing this
"ok" - I have no confidence
"ok" - I hate me
"ok" - I hate you
"ok" - Go to hell you can't help me                                                                                                                
"ok" - For just once could I not be the lost, emotional, ridiculous excuse for a human being that I constantly feel like!!!!!????  Or am.
I listen to those dam wind chimes on my back porch and am not quiet sure if I dislike them for being a potential disturbance to my neighbors or if I dislike them because I simply just dislike them, as a person, with an opinion.  Sometimes it seems as if I don't know what part of me forms thoughts and opinions based on my character and what part of me forms thoughts and opinions based on what I think I should and should not be thinking and feeling.  How terrifying to be a grown woman and not know if I like the sound of wind chimes.  But these particular ones are just so dam loud and disorderly.  It's too much.  So, no, I do not like loud and disorderly wind chimes.  Thank God-an assessment to call my own.  One down, 974 million to go.

Seriously though, I don't want to be indifferent.  If I did I would not be vying for a fight.  I just want the confidence that everyone around me seems to either have or successfully fake so gracefully.  Sometimes I compare myself to the everyday film, usually it's a dramatic comedy, they're easy.  And I try to pinpoint which character I would be, just to have something to compare to so that if I were an outsider, looking in, I could know what I would think of me.  I'm not aiming for the hero or even the lead role-though that would be a perk-I just want to be tolerable.  I mean I certainly don't want to be the character that everyone dreads having to stare at for another 87 God forsaken minutes.  So I wonder to myself, would you feel a sense of grace or humanity towards this person?  Would you be able to relate to her thoughts and feelings?  Would you forgive, love, or at least appreciate her existence?  Or is she the character you keep hoping will get hit by a garbage truck at the end of the film for the sake of comic relief?  Or worse, does my character not exist because the public is not interested in seeing that classification of crazy, because she's just too painfully annoying and pathetic to have to see on the large screen!  Fuck, I sound like such an ego maniac.  I guess what it comes down to is that I just want a happy ending.  You know the ones with the really awesome happy ending song, like Cat Stevens, If You Want to Sing Out Sing Out, and the audience all nodding their heads in grateful approval, thinking to themselves, now that's a character I would love to end up like.  Hmm, ok, so in this movie I am the lead role, I guess that was just a given.  Maybe I'm not even crazy, perhaps i just give too much credence to that petty, overly analytical head of mine.  Ya, right, I'm not so delusional that I don't think that every person doesn't tell themselves that statement at least once a week.

I just want confidence, even if it's over confidence.  AA, God, medication, meditation, sex, exercise, yoga, therapy, healthy diet, hobbies-check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check!  Where is the relief?  I want something lasting and hopeful.  Something that does not end in me, a garbage truck and a delighted applause from an amused audience.